A different take on Mamma Mia

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It’s been so long since I wrote here and looking back it seems I was mainly last inspired by the forthcoming arrival of my child. It (almost) seems appropriate, then, that I should share a work of art created jointly with him at the fond age of 6.

We’ve absolutely ruined ABBA’s “Mamma Mia” lyrics with an unholy amount of toilet humour; our rewrite is called “Diarrhoea”, to the tune, of course, of Mamma Mia.
We’ve stuck as closely as we possibly could to the original words/rhymes and form of the song (which was an absolute gift, as it happens).

Diarrhoea

I've been churned up by you since a quarter to ten

Chicken vindaloo, it was never my friend

Look at my bowels, will I ever learn?

I don't know how but I suddenly lose control

There's a fire within my bowl

Just one flush  won’t get rid of this thing

One more push and I'll just lose everything - ohohoh

 

Diarrhoea, here I go again

My my, how can I resist you?

Diarrhoea, need to go again

My my, don’t run out of tissue

Yesterday the cramps had started

Devastation as my cheeks parted

Why, why did I ever let that go?

Diarrhoea, now I really know,

That’s why, I should never let you go

 

I've been angry and sad about the state of my loo

I can't count all the times that I've followed through 

And when I go, I need to lock the door

I think you know I'll be in here way too long 

You know that the smell's so strong

Just one flush, won’t get rid of this thing.

One more push and I could lose everything,   ohohohoh

 

Diarrhoea, here I go again

My my, how can I resist you?

Diarrhoea, need to go again

My my, don't run out of tissue

Yesterday the cramps had started

Devastation as my cheeks parted

Why, why did I ever let that go?

Diarrhoea, even if I'm brave

I cry, leave my bowels empty

Diarrhoea, take me to my grave

I cry, don't you think that’s plenty?

 

Diarrhoea, here I go again

My my, how can I resist you?

Diarrhoea, need to go again

My my, don’t run out of tissue

Yesterday the cramps had started

Followed through last time I farted

Why, why did I ever let that go?

Diarrhoea, now I really know

that’s why, I should never let you go

Every move you make

This is a little ditty I put together in honour of the final week of pregancy.
It should be sung to the tune of Every Breath You Take by the Police.

Every time you wake
And every move you make
every kick you make, every step I take
I'll be feeling you

Every single day
The pain is here to stay
I just have to say, till it's gone away
I'll be watching you

Oh can't you see
you make me want to pee,
How my noonoo aches,
with every step I take

Every move you make
could make my waters break
every elbow aches, every step I take
I'll be clutching you

Since you grew you've been filling up the space 
I dream at night of the scan that shows your face
I'm big and round but you're stuck inside that place
I feel so sore and I long for your embrace

I keep crying baby, baby, please!

Oh can't you see
you make me want to pee,
How my noonoo aches,
with every step I take

Every move you make
could make my waters break
every elbow aches, every step I take
I'll be clutching you

Every move you make
could make my waters break
I'll be clutching you

[repeat to fade]

Some Things You'll Never See

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Alas my darling little bump,
Some things you’ll never see;
Despite your newly-opened eyes,
Such things weren't meant to be.

Your perfect face on sonic scans, 
Your outstretched feet and curled-up hands
That tell me that you’re there.
Ideas I have for favourite toys,
The lists of names for girls and boys,
Are things I can’t yet share.

Some things you’ll never see my babe,
Locked within your mama's womb.
While I'm out here and you’re inside
Your incubation room.

Each time I play a Scottish tune,
The fiddle jigs throughout the air;
And there inside your dark cocoon,
You kick your little dance.

I'd hold you tight,
Angelic delight,
Just given half a chance.

But you’ll never see my stricken face
The day we thought you’d gone.
A terror tore my heart in two;
Thank God, you just held on.

And you’ll never see the tears that flow,
Each time your fragile heartbeat slows 
To listen to the lullaby
I make and sing for you.

You twist and clout,
And squirm about,
As if you're breaking through.

The kicks I've felt,
Just make me melt, 
With rampant joy inside.
The plans I've made,
The prayers I've prayed,
With overwhelming pride. 

But time will come - 
And not too long - 
When all  these things you’ll feel,
The depths of love 
Your father holds, 
Unfathomed and so real; 

An inch away, yet worlds apart,
Our bond is growing strong.
And through the rocky road of life,
I’ll harmonise your song.  

The day I clasp you to my chest,
That ache inside at last will rest,
Our hearts will chime in tune,
And beat a perfect melody;
That day can't come too soon.

The world is here, your life awaits,
But haste not, little one!
These moments do not want to wait,
A blink and they are gone.  

I press my lips unto the flesh
That keeps your world from mine.
And whisper now in softest breath,
"I love you for all time".