It’s been so long since I wrote here and looking back it seems I was mainly last inspired by the forthcoming arrival of my child. It (almost) seems appropriate, then, that I should share a work of art created jointly with him at the fond age of 6.

We’ve absolutely ruined ABBA’s “Mamma Mia” lyrics with an unholy amount of toilet humour; our rewrite is called “Diarrhoea”, to the tune, of course, of Mamma Mia.
We’ve stuck as closely as we possibly could to the original words/rhymes and form of the song (which was an absolute gift, as it happens).

Diarrhoea

I've been churned up by you since a quarter to ten

Chicken vindaloo, it was never my friend

Look at my bowels, will I ever learn?

I don't know how but I suddenly lose control

There's a fire within my bowl

Just one flush won’t get rid of this thing

One more push and I'll just lose everything - ohohoh

Diarrhoea, here I go again

My my, how can I resist you?

Diarrhoea, need to go again

My my, don’t run out of tissue

Yesterday the cramps had started

Devastation as my cheeks parted

Why, why did I ever let that go?

Diarrhoea, now I really know,

That’s why, I should never let you go

I've been angry and sad about the state of my loo

I can't count all the times that I've followed through

And when I go, I need to lock the door

I think you know I'll be in here way too long

You know that the smell's so strong

Just one flush, won’t get rid of this thing.

One more push and I could lose everything, ohohohoh

Diarrhoea, here I go again

My my, how can I resist you?

Diarrhoea, need to go again

My my, don't run out of tissue

Yesterday the cramps had started

Devastation as my cheeks parted

Why, why did I ever let that go?

Diarrhoea, even if I'm brave

I cry, leave my bowels empty

Diarrhoea, take me to my grave

I cry, don't you think that’s plenty?

Diarrhoea, here I go again

My my, how can I resist you?

Diarrhoea, need to go again

My my, don’t run out of tissue

Yesterday the cramps had started

Followed through last time I farted

Why, why did I ever let that go?

Diarrhoea, now I really know

that’s why, I should never let you go

Today, many billions of us carry mobile (cellular) 'phones. Once the executive luxury of the businessman, the mobile phone has rapidly become a commodity item.

But the debate still rages on as to whether they are safe or not. Does the microwave energy they emit cause harm? Is it possible that they really could "cook" your brain, or cause other defects such as memory loss or tumours?

It seems as though the jury is still out. The manufacturers and network operators would have us believe (not surprisingly) that "there is no evidence they are harmful". This pompous statement sends me into palpitations. Recall, there was "no evidence" that BSE could harm human beings. But it didn't stop it from happening...

And on the other hand, Governments and scientific bodies are conducting research, to see if such evidence conclusively exists. And where are the results? Who knows, but you can bet your bottom dollar, if the news is bad, it's going to be difficult to come to terms with.

And so, finally - spurred by this information deficit - here is some independent research into the effects of microwave emissions from mobile phones. Is it good news??...

Well, that depends on your viewpoint, but either way, it would be wise to have a lager on standby.

The experiment - Experimental setup

Most experiments rely on some arbitrarily representative 'laboratory' setup, and a whole bunch of finicky electronic measuring equipment.

However, we felt that to take this approach was adding nothing new to the scientific knowledge base. In fact, for our experiment we wanted to test the real effects of the microwave emissions: i.e. as close to real life as possible.

To do this, we would have to expose organic tissue to real 'phone radiation. Naturally we could get in big trouble for clamping someone in the lab, and trying to do this on a live human being (or a dead one for that matter). And so the alternative was to use the next best thing:diced chicken.

Diced chicken has the remarkable property that it feels pretty squidgy, just like a human brain, and furthermore, in the diced state, both brain & chicken exhibit a similar IQ. This definitely made it a good choice.

The next consideration was how to apply radiation to the tissue. It was decided that the most representative option was to employ areal mobile phone in close proximity to the flesh.

The phone would be configured to have its aeriel a realistic distance (2cm) from the 'brain' (chicken), and we would then make a normal 'phone call. We would dial a local number, so as to use less power, and give the chicken a better chance.

The storyboard below shows the procedure.

1. The Fresh diced chicken is brought into the lab.

2. The protective wrapping is removed, thus eliminating the possibilty of false results due to cling film microwave absorbtion.

3. The 'phone is placed in position, as if wedged between imaginary shoulder & chin.

please note: the chicken was already dead, and therefore was not harmed during this experiment.

The live testing

Now that the subject was prepared, it was time to apply some telephone microwaves, and observe the result.

The phone was checked for maximum battery strength; a preselected number was carefully dialled; and then a timer started.

Everyone then stood back out of the way, in case we had gotten a wrong number.

The storyboard below shows how events unfolded...

3. The phone is dialled.

Note, at this stage the chicken is in pristine condition, and the 'phone is performing well.

4.20 minutes have elapsed. Note that some tissue appears to be turning white.

We were surprised that this effect happened so quickly.

5. This shot after 25 minutes, clearly shows molecular changes to the meat. This baby is starting to barbeque!

3. The phone is dialled. — 3. The phone is dialled.

4.20 minutes have elapsed. Note that some tissue appears to be turning white. — 4.20 minutes have elapsed. Note that some tissue appears to be turning white.

5. This shot after 25 minutes, clearly shows molecular changes to the meat. This baby is starting to barbeque! — 5. This shot after *25 minutes*, clearly shows molecular changes to the meat. This baby is starting to barbeque!

Notice also the radiation pattern - not "straight out the top" as previously thought.

The observed heating effect

Everything was still going to plan, and at this stage of the experiment we were almost, quite literally, shmokin'!

By now it was necessary to engage the extractor fan.

We were amazed to see that the chicken really was beginning to get hot and start to cook from the inside, out.. And moreover, the rate of change was increasing. Sure-fire evidence that this mobile phone is nothing short of a portable barbie!

By now, we could start to smell cooking chicken, so much so, that we nearly succumbed to a KFC mega-bucket!

The storyboard below shows the remarkable developments.

7.27 minutes into the experiment and the close up shows undoubtable heating near the antenna.

8.29 minutes, and the heating effect begins to spread in a more even pattern.

Remember, you're looking at a simulation of your brain.

9. Now at 42 minutes, and this close up shows clearly that the major portion of meat has become heated to the core. We decide to allow the experiment to continue to see just how far the chicken will cook!

7.27 minutes into the experiment and the close up shows undoubtable heating near the antenna. — 7.27 minutes into the experiment and the close up shows undoubtable **heating near the antenna**.

8.29 minutes, and the heating effect begins to spread in a more even pattern.

9. Now at 42 minutes, and this close up shows clearly that themajor portion of meat has become heated to the core. — 9. Now at *42 minutes*, and this close up shows clearly that themajor portion of meat has become heated to the core.

Final Experimental Results

We allowed the experiment to run for a further12 minutes before drawing it to a conclusion.

We believe that the findings are remarkable, and clearly highlight the need for much more research of this style in this area.

The most important discovery appears to be that the chicken-under-test became so damaged by exposure to the phone radiation, that it actually turned into a jalfrezi.

This astonishing result has not yet been repeated, but attempts are underway with other makes of mobile phone, especially WAP. One theory suggests that the newer GPRS phones, with their higher bandwidth capability, might have sufficient strength to create a vindaloo complete with rice!

As for the outlook for the human brain; clearly accurate results will be hard to obtain without clamping someone down in the lab.

Have we proved what effect mobile 'phones have on the human brain? Is not entirely clear, but our experimental results are surely food for thought?

The final storyboard shows the wind^H^H^H^Hgroundbreaking outcome.

10. Close of up the chicken jalfrezi, clearly shows near-perfect moistness.

11. The experimental evidence is prepared and packaged for later digestion.... errr.. inspection..

Nik Sargent

Nik Sargent

writing | poetry & prose by Nik Sargent

Nik Sargent

A different take on Mamma Mia

Diarrhoea

Every move you make

Are Mobile Phones Harmful?

The experiment - Experimental setup

The live testing

The observed heating effect

Final Experimental Results

Nik Sargent