A different take on Mamma Mia

It’s been so long since I wrote here and looking back it seems I was mainly last inspired by the forthcoming arrival of my child. It (almost) seems appropriate, then, that I should share a work of art created jointly with him at the fond age of 6.

We’ve absolutely ruined ABBA’s “Mamma Mia” lyrics with an unholy amount of toilet humour; our rewrite is called “Diarrhoea”, to the tune, of course, of Mamma Mia.
We’ve stuck as closely as we possibly could to the original words/rhymes and form of the song (which was an absolute gift, as it happens).

Diarrhoea

I've been churned up by you since a quarter to ten

Chicken vindaloo, it was never my friend

Look at my bowels, will I ever learn?

I don't know how but I suddenly lose control

There's a fire within my bowl

Just one flush  won’t get rid of this thing

One more push and I'll just lose everything - ohohoh

Diarrhoea, here I go again

My my, how can I resist you?

Diarrhoea, need to go again

My my, don’t run out of tissue

Yesterday the cramps had started

Devastation as my cheeks parted

Why, why did I ever let that go?

Diarrhoea, now I really know,

That’s why, I should never let you go

I've been angry and sad about the state of my loo

I can't count all the times that I've followed through 

And when I go, I need to lock the door

I think you know I'll be in here way too long 

You know that the smell's so strong

Just one flush, won’t get rid of this thing.

One more push and I could lose everything,   ohohohoh

Diarrhoea, here I go again

My my, how can I resist you?

Diarrhoea, need to go again

My my, don't run out of tissue

Yesterday the cramps had started

Devastation as my cheeks parted

Why, why did I ever let that go?

Diarrhoea, even if I'm brave

I cry, leave my bowels empty

Diarrhoea, take me to my grave

I cry, don't you think that’s plenty?

Diarrhoea, here I go again

My my, how can I resist you?

Diarrhoea, need to go again

My my, don’t run out of tissue

Yesterday the cramps had started

Followed through last time I farted

Why, why did I ever let that go?

Diarrhoea, now I really know

that’s why, I should never let you go

Every move you make

This is a little ditty I put together in honour of the final week of pregancy.
It should be sung to the tune of Every Breath You Take by the Police.

Every time you wake
And every move you make
every kick you make, every step I take
I'll be feeling you

Every single day
The pain is here to stay
I just have to say, till it's gone away
I'll be watching you

Oh can't you see
you make me want to pee,
How my noonoo aches,
with every step I take

Every move you make
could make my waters break
every elbow aches, every step I take
I'll be clutching you

Since you grew you've been filling up the space 
I dream at night of the scan that shows your face
I'm big and round but you're stuck inside that place
I feel so sore and I long for your embrace

I keep crying baby, baby, please!

Oh can't you see
you make me want to pee,
How my noonoo aches,
with every step I take

Every move you make
could make my waters break
every elbow aches, every step I take
I'll be clutching you

Every move you make
could make my waters break
I'll be clutching you

[repeat to fade]

Who am I?

In times like these, who can say
Can we even last another day.
Who rules the game, who deals the card,
Where do we turn when life is hard...

Do I run, do I jump, do I stand and fight.
Can I stay, can I count on your help tonight.
Got my feet on the ground, got my head way up in the sky;
I can keep my soul alive if I find out who am I?

Caught up in this shut-down-zone of my own.
Got a couple of friends, but got no home.
All I got is my name in gold on a credit card.
Where do we turn when life is hard...

Do I run, do I jump, do I stand and fight.
Can I stay, can I count on your help tonight.
Got my feet on the ground, got my head way up in the sky;
I can keep my soul alive if I find out who am I?

If only I could feel it, if only I could see;
Break out of the dark and set myself free.
Forget about the worries, forget about the pain.
Grab life by the throat and start over again.

Do I run, do I jump, do I stand and fight.
Can I stay, can I count on your help tonight.
Got my feet on the ground, got my head way up in the sky;
I can keep my soul alive if I find out who am I?

In times like these we must shout out loud,
every lining has a big black cloud.
All I got is a cardboard box in a backstreet yard.
Where do we turn when life is hard...

Do I run, do I jump, do I stand and fight.
Can I stay, can I count on your help tonight.
Got my feet on the ground, got my head way up in the sky;
I can keep my soul alive if I find out who am I?